(The following is an excerpt from the book "You Are The Change", which is now available to order.)

Hello Becky and Jerry,

It appears that over its lifetime, a relationship follows four seasons, similar to those of a year in the Alps. As the four seasons of the year hold different tasks for a farmer, the four seasons of a relationship require us to accomplish different tasks, too.

Any type of relationship - work, neighborhood, school, friendship - follows these seasons. The most expressed, and therefore the easiest to observe, are the seasons in a romantic relationship, and I will use that to explain the concept. But in my experience, it applies to all other types of relationship.

In the springtime, life reawakens after the long, cold winter months. The plants turn green again, flowers are blooming, and the farmer assesses the land for its potential and plants the seeds.

When a relationship starts, especially if it is a romantic relationship, we, too, feel life reawakening in us. This also happens when we start a new job, move to a new neighborhood, or come to a new school. There is so much potential, so much that is new and exciting.

When we meet a person who excites us, we experience a tremendous energy burst. We feel a strong attraction. That person is constantly on our mind. We need less sleep, are more happy, and have tons of energy! Usually we refer to this phase as Falling In Love.

The focus of this phase is on the other person. They are on our mind, because we need to get to know them. We need to know what their strengths are, as this is how they might be supportive of us. We need to know what their weaknesses are, as this is how we can be supportive to them. What is their mission in life, what are their goals? What are they interested in, what is relevant and important to them?

A lot of energy has been made available to us, because it takes a lot of effort to get to know another person.

We are in a state of bliss and happiness because, if we were not, we wouldn't dare make ourselves vulnerable like this, and allow, even encourage, the other person to get to know us - the real us.

This season does not last too long, though. In the beginning, we know only very little of the person. The rest, we make up in our minds, using our wishes and hopes and needs and wants. The potential excites us. We are in love with our idea of the other person, not with the real person.

Over time, we get to know the other person, and piece by piece, we replace our wishful thinking with reality. And as we do so, our glorified picture gets less glorious, the ideal person becomes more real. With that, our energy drops and our level of happiness decreases to regular levels. Sometimes we say we are no longer in love.

I suggest that if we don't know the person yet, we are like a farmer who didn't plant any crops in the spring, so there is nothing to tend to in the summer. Usually when this happens, we skip the summer and obviously the autumn, too, and go straight into the winter of the relationship.

If, on the other hand, we spent the time wisely, we know the other person quite well by now. In that case, we slowly transition from being in love with the idea to loving the real person. We are ready for the next season.

During the summer, the farmer tends to his crops. He fertilizes and waters them, removes weeds, and does anything to make them grow better. He can look at his fields and enjoy watching everything grow, in anticipation of the autumn.

Just as the farmer does what he can to encourage his crops to grow, in a relationship, this is the time to facilitate the growth of togetherness. We must learn how to resolve conflict, how to enjoy time together and time apart. It is important to understand how to work with and support each other.

In the autumn, the crops are ready to harvest. All the farmer's effort now pays off, as he reaps the benefits.

After having gotten to know the other person and explained ourselves to them, and after having learned to live peacefully and in harmony, we are now also ready to enjoy the benefits of our relationship.

We each can work on our own life's mission, with the moral, emotional, spiritual, and often material support of the other. Our basic needs are met - survival, security, being loved, and belonging. Now we can focus on improving our self-esteem and self-confidence, and we can self-actualize. We can support each other in the process of understanding ourselves better and grow as people, emotionally and spiritually. We are free to acquire new skills and apply new knowledge.

Notice that all of the above was centered on "me" - self-esteem, self-confidence, personal growth.

A relationship is also very helpful in going beyond the "me". It can help us to be a better Tool of the Universe, to effect change around us with the intention to do so, not just as a side effect. A partner can help us see why we are having a particular experience, why we have been chosen to come into the life of another person, why we find ourselves in certain situations.

Ideally, a relationship lasts a long time. In that the case, the time and effort we had to expend to get to the autumn season is relatively small in comparison to the time we can benefit from the relationship. However, most relationships we develop in our lives do not last until we die.

Every relationship we are in fulfills a purpose for us. When that purpose is fulfilled, there is no reason for the relationship to continue.

This is when a relationship enters the winter season. Our immediate task now is to "let go in love". This is very difficult, especially when the relationship was beautiful and beneficial.

Whenever something dear to us dies - a person, a relationship, even things like a car, a computer, or a house - we go through a grieving process.

The weather at the beginning of winter is gray, foggy, cold, damp, and dreary. We feel the same way. We are sad, tired, depressed, and low on energy.

The farmer uses the first part of winter to clean up and rest. Similarly, in the first part of our relationship winter, we focus on healing ourselves and resting. We need to lay away the remnants of the relationship.

We most likely have made some of the former partner's priorities our own, and have taken on some habits and customs to be able to live in harmony with that person. We have adjusted ourselves to better suit them. Aside from healing our wounds, we need to identify those "foreign" aspects and shed them.

The second half of winter is often quite nice. When it snows, the world gets silent, and the hustle and bustle quiets down. Everything gets a white cover. It is still cold, but sometimes it is sunny and bright. The frost on the branches sparkles in the sun, the snow glistens . . . a winter wonder-world.

The farmer uses this time to prepare for the next season. He mends, sharpens, and fixes his tools. He thinks about what he wants to plant this next time around.

The focus in the second part of our relationship winter is still "myself". But we have healed our wounds, and we have rested. Now it is time to look at my self, to reacquaint myself with my own self. What are my priorities, my needs? Who am I? What is important to me? What is of relevance and interest to me?

Toward the end of the winter, the sun gets stronger, and the snow starts melting. You hear water dripping everywhere. Here and there an early flower peaks through the snow, a bush may start to bud, birds begin to sing. The quiet of the winter slowly gives way to the sounds and sights of life.

Once I have found myself again and have a better idea of what I would like to do with my life now, I am more and more ready for a new relationship.

And soon I feel butterflies in my stomach when I see a particular person. I start getting interested again in getting to know someone special. Soon spring has come again . . .

With Love,

        Papa!